| So I'm gonna shake and shimmy it the best that I can today |
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[16 Jun 2006|03:52pm] |
REASON'S WHY LIFE WAS GOOD THIS YEAR:
-summer '05
-atlantis marine world
-damn yankees
-stop the world on headset with dennis
-julie's little feet
-senior banquet
-senior sunrise
-senior shirts
-fright fest '05
-city trips
-17th birthday
-jellicle songs for jellicle cats
-dressing up as a pilgrim for thanksgiving
-doing the hokey pokey in the hokey pokey diner parking lot
-aubrey's birthday
-meeting john tartaglia and having him remember me
-murder's in the heir
-having the house to myself
-sleepover with aly, the boys, + will
-driver's ed
-candlelight
-bowling
-pool games
-freaking out during the previews before hostel
-scavenger hunt '05
-getting chased by boys after asking for condoms
-getting my boobs signed
-porn shops
-making paper snowflakes + cookies while watching elf
-pogoing in the applebees parking lot
-cartwheels during the pep rally
-being on the homecoming court and getting to dress pretty
-the garbage can by the art room
-student council
-getting hit on and called lindey lohan in the city
-tiny dancer car rides
-starlight diner
-getting purred at by conan o brian
-confetti sticks on new years
-applebees 1/2 off for munchies
-superbowl bluff picnic
-lipstick warriors
-taryn's birthday party
-geneseo
-drunk lesbian girls
-$1 hunting hats
-sitcom worthy friends
-wearing cats wigs
-guys & dolls
-mr. flatt
-san remo train
-emo tres
-north port
-steve iorio
-friendlys
-venting
-going running at 11 pm
-ambushing
-operation overnight
-feeding the ducks
-free... i mean NATIONAL pancake day
-skipping school
-job hunting
-quiznos weirdos
-dance parties
-art class... hah
-grease
-venting
-friends
-spontaniety
-driving
-bonfires
-prom with dennis
-prom dress shopping
...and thats all for now
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| ::look left, look right:: IN THE AUDITORIUM! |
[14 May 2006|10:28am] |
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We Go Together |
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auditorium looks so weird... i thought i spelled it wrong, but i guess not.
anyways, im not quite sure what the point of me writing in this is, i guess just for my own sake but whatevs...
Thing have been really good lately. I got through my ap gov exam. I thought it was a bitch but the only time i walked out confident, i ended up failing. haha. That was a real big relief though... bing takes 3s to lets pray! To relax the classes after the exam, we ended up watching "A Time To Kill." It involved the KKK and it seriously made me want to vomit. I just don't understand how people could be so inhumane based on skin color, religion, or personal beliefs. Just thinking about them in their white and red cloaks makes me sick to my stomach.
Other than that, Smokey Joes closes next weekend, then we go into tech week for Grease mainstage and begin the two month run. Its so weird to think that Smokeys has been running since the beginning of March and here it is the end of May and were still going. I've spent all my weekends there other than the weekend of "Guys & Dolls" and one night I took off to go see Andy Mil in "Kiss Me Kate"- so weird. This may be my last time doing spotlight, and I'm sure not complaining. Now I'm a stage manager. Weird. Moving on up in the world.
And I can't wait to start my grease rehersals, I'm so excited about this part... I can't even put into words how much this means to me! glkdgoreonhonohnohneohnoeno!!!!!!!!!!
OH! So I weighed myself and right now I'm at the lowest I've been in years! I feel so great, I'm not finished yet, but I'm feeling better than I have. Danny Gor noticed last night and told me I looked incredible... it makes me feel amazing when other people actually notice, like my hard work is actually paying off.
Eh, thats good for now. 22 SCHOOL DAYS LEFT!
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[09 May 2006|10:49pm] |
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Beauty School Dropout |
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I've been in a really shitty mood today, and very over emotional lately...
The past few days have been such an insane rollercoaster.
But on a lighter note, I've finally gotten my first LEAD in a show! I'll be playing Frenchy in GREASE! das musical this summer at Smithtown. I've finally been given my chance, and because of that, I couldn't be happier. Oh! and Wibben's my Doody (o: I can't wait to begin rehersals, it's going to be a great way to leave the theatre after spending the past two years there, especially this year! Since last summer, Damn Yankees, I've been living there and looking back at the year/ seasons based on what show I was working on there. I'm so excited for this one.
"Wait'll you try the chipped beef, betta known as 'barf on a bun!'"
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| Yes!, I AM back... still not funny |
[04 May 2006|10:56pm] |
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Say Anything |
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Wow, it's been a reallll long time but a lot has been happening so i figured id write...
Let's start off with the fact that there are only 28 school days left this year, 28 school days left in my high school career- then I'm done... completely finished. It's absolutely insane. Paige is going to start the countdown soon, at 25. It's hard to believe the countdown is leading to a fresh new start for me.
This summer is going to be amazing: Prom with my best friends, Graduation, Grad parties, Grease stage managing, possibly being in Grease, Disney with Nicole, Vermont + Spamalot with the family, then Bing with Mags. Not too shabby.
But that leads me to something else, something thats been getting me really down this past week or so. A bunch of people sort of stopped talking to me for awhile and basically became my best friends recently thinking that doing so can benefit them for something else. I don't know if that even made sense but I basically feel used. It really makes me sick, but I guess it's my fault for always going back to this group of people. It just solidifies the fact of who my actual friends are. )o:
In other news, I've been running for the past few weeks and it's such an amazing rush. I would have never pictured myself voluntarily running each night when I was younger and faking injuries to get out of running the mile. Now I'm running double that amount. It's fab... I just hope it pays off and is noticable with all the work I've been doing.
Yea, well I'm just going to leave off here b/c i need to study for ap gov and get some rest for the beach, i mean "school" tomorrow! (o:
I'll write more often... maybe.
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[20 Feb 2006|05:46pm] |
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It's been awhile. My life has changed since the last time I wrote so I figured I'd share.
Last Sunday night I realized something; I'm sick of being the "chubby girl"- I've been and have always been that girl. Sure my friends say, "you're perfect the way you are," but if that was true, wouldn't I not care about this all? Wouldn't I be able to find a guy that will appreciate me? There's no such thing as perfect but I'd like to be "improved." My mom's friend has been using this website called "sparkpeople" and I decided to try it out. I never thought I'd find something that would work and make me happy but the truth is, it has. In the first week I've not eaten greasy crap foods [like french fries, which have been in my access numerous times], learned I hate the taste of soda- diet too, not intentionally either, I was simply trying to get my 8 cups of water in and tried a sip of soda one day and was disgusted, and most importantly I've lost 5 pounds. Sure it's just a start but I'm not about to stop.
I'll be leaving the people I grew up with, leaving the people that saw me at my finest...
But I'm sick of being THAT girl. I want to go out with a BANG! And I'm prepared to. I want the people in my school to remember me looking good, not like a butterball turkey.
I mean, even since last year, I've dropped 20 lbs.
That was last year right before school ended, student council elections-
Looking at that compared to me now, makes me feel great. + I know I can keep going.
+ In other news, I got into Les Miserables at Bayway Performing Arts Center.
I was so suprised I made it considering I winged it at the auditon. I'm so excited because not only are my friends doing it, but there are so many of the "infamous theatre kids" that I've always wanted to meet doing it as well. Most importantly, it showed me I can get in somewhere other than Shittown Center for the Performing Arts. I'm in the "click" there and they know me but this is somewhere TOTALLY new. I can't wait until Ken calls me to do spotlight for Smokey Joes. Hopefully I'll have a job by then [just put in my app for Starsucks]- I'd love to tell him I can't due to the show and a job. (o:
kourtMonster Q: i keep having dreams about you.
HeMpBoi20: aw
HeMpBoi20: are we doing it
kourtMonster Q: naturally.
HeMpBoi20: sweeet
3 MORE WEEKS TILL MY BOY IS HOME!
That's all for now, I gtg get ready for a spontaneous night with my clan-ies!
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[15 Feb 2006|02:24pm] |
I'm sick.
& everything hurts.
)o:
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[12 Feb 2006|08:24pm] |
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High School Musical- REPRESENT! |
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kourtMonster Q: we can whore ourselves and make money that way
tokoma83: its crossed my mind
SUN! SUN! Mr. Golden Sun; PLEASE SHINE DOWN ON ME!
Well, let me just start by saying SNOW SUCKS! it ruined many plans for this weekend. Maybe I should go to California or Flordia for college. haha.
Anyways, in other news, there has been so much shit going on in my family stemming from my grandmother's death [love ya nan!]. slowly on her way out. Sure, hes not perfect but he never deserved to be treated in such a cruel manner. It makes my cry to think of it; Basically, her brothers and sisters have never treated my grandpa nicely and continued to do so for the month my grandma was sick and all going over to my great uncles for dinner [ALL] and not even thinking of asking my grandpa, going behind my grandpas back and violating HIPPA laws by asking the nurses privat questions that should have gone through my grandpa, trying to take over the room my grandma was in or deciding that they can't wait until 2:00 to go visit as her last days approached, violating the time meant for my grandpa and her. Its such CRAP. I can't even believe that these people, who couldnt even bother to make a 15 minute car ride over to say hello while she was alive, had the nerve to try and make a name for themselves when she was on her deathbed. They weren't there for my Nanny, they were there for themselves, and that makes me so sick. 5 months later, they scarcely call or check in on my grandpa. He's not one to keep you on the phone so simply calling to say hello and make sure everythings well is enough. I have trouble doing it when I ask "Hows eveything over there" and he answers "Quiet, ya know?" But I pick up the phone nonetheless. My grandma was a second mother to me, and she was there sister, my grandpas over my house practically every night for dinner to be surrounded by people, is it there hard to spend 5 minutes on the phone with him? My mom and my two aunts decided to send a letter to my great uncle, the one living closest to us, and this morning my great aunt had the nerve to call my GRANDPA, not the writers of the letter but the one who it was based on, and call it VICIOUS! My mom or aunts hadnt told my grandpa, wondering if my great uncle would take the initiative to give my grandpa a call. This morning my grandpa read for himself and saw nothing but the truth. Sure its not nice, but how can you put such cruel actions in a nice way? I'm sorry that the truth hurts; when they turned their backs on my grandpa, they were turning their backs on my aunts and mother, their spouses, their children, and myself. Excuses such as "I can't handle calling and hearing Arlene's voice on the answering machine" or "Phil's been sick" have been used to justify their lack of interaction between us and themselves. One of my grandmas sisters and brother and laws lives upstate, another in georgia, another in new mexico, and the other 15 minutes away but still nonexistent. We live two minutes away, my one aunt 5, and the other just recently finished moving closer bridging a 20 minute drive and making it 15. We are the ones who are faced with going from seeing my grandma EVERYDAY to not seeing her at all. Still, we live on. Still, we take care of my grandpa. They are the ones who need a reality check. They are the ones who sat reading the Bible outloud as my grandmother laid dying in the hospice house and yet, they are the farthest from "CHRISTIANS." The way they treat others, ESPECIALLY my grandpa is ANYTHING BUT Christian.
On a lighter note, after this week, we are off for an entire week. PURE LOVLINESS! + 2 hr delay tomorrow + Next thrusday me and Kerrin are going to Geneseo together and that should entail some good times + I'll get to see Pat & Michelle.
Now I should really do some scholarships if I plan on going to college.
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[12 Feb 2006|01:11am] |
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Say Anything- "A Walk Through Hell" |
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new paltz X check
binghamton X check
not where im interested in going but i needed a safety + some SUNYs
and at least it solidifies the fact im going to college! (o:
its nice to finally feel wanted.
::thats the cue for everyone else to send acceptances/rejections::
Although no one other than chris or myself will find this funny I am posting it b/c I found it really enjoying :
kourtMonster Q: ud be the basketball player that cooks
MoPeDrIvEr3588: ud be a bitch!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
kourtMonster Q: EXACTLY! cuz i wouldnt want your disgusting cookies!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: i cant get were all in this together out of my head
MoPeDrIvEr3588: WERE ALLL IN THIS TOGETHERRRR
kourtMonster Q: i keep sending the lyrics to everyone. ill just slip them into the conversation and keep talking and theyll be like, wait... what?
MoPeDrIvEr3588: AHHAHA
MoPeDrIvEr3588: i wana learn to dance like them
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
kourtMonster Q: omg! we should just get together one day and try and learn the moves
MoPeDrIvEr3588: yeaa me and jacqueline are gonna do it lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: u should come do it with us
kourtMonster Q: im in! u tell me when and im so there
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol kk
MoPeDrIvEr3588: omg
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: i googled high school musical
MoPeDrIvEr3588: and i read this article
kourtMonster Q: whatd it say!!?!?!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: that said how like it was their best disney movie ever like viewer wise and its beeing seen as a modern greese for tweens and if it was in the movies it would have made like sooo much more then other movies that are out and stuff lol
kourtMonster Q: hahah wed be going all the time
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
kourtMonster Q: better than chronicles!!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: noo
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
kourtMonster Q: i know. i figured id say it though
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: wtf? a restricted # just called me
kourtMonster Q: bitches!
kourtMonster Q: did u not answer?
MoPeDrIvEr3588: tey were like "is this chris gorbecki" and im likk "yea" and shes like hi its bli are u ready to play out game for free tickets?? im like noo and shes like ok bye and hung up lol
kourtMonster Q: hahahaha
kourtMonster Q: WEIRD!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: yaa
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: if i send u somthing
MoPeDrIvEr3588: can u print it for me?
kourtMonster Q: sure
MoPeDrIvEr3588: thanks chica
kourtMonster Q: no problemo
kourtMonster Q: hahaha what the hell is this for?
kourtMonster Q: u want to act?
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol its for extras for the pirates of the carribean 3
MoPeDrIvEr3588: they fly u down to the bahamas and stuff lol
kourtMonster Q: omg! i want to do it
kourtMonster Q: <3 j depp
kourtMonster Q: <3 orlando bloom
MoPeDrIvEr3588: they are only looking for guys to play sailors
MoPeDrIvEr3588: :-(
MoPeDrIvEr3588: srry
kourtMonster Q: i can be a guy
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: no
MoPeDrIvEr3588: u cant!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
kourtMonster Q: pleasssse chris!?!??!!!!
kourtMonster Q: let me be a boy!!!!!
kourtMonster Q: and kiss johnny depp!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: loserr
MoPeDrIvEr3588: print it for me
kourtMonster Q: it just finished printing
kourtMonster Q: ill keep it for myself
kourtMonster Q: hahahaaa
MoPeDrIvEr3588: no lol
kourtMonster Q: arrrrrr maties
kourtMonster Q: damn, im good at that.
kourtMonster Q: i see a future
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: loserrrr
kourtMonster Q: oh please. if im a loser, ur right there with me
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: did u print it?
kourtMonster Q: i want to be an effin pirate!
kourtMonster Q: yes!
kourtMonster Q: its sitting on my bed
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol f u ! im the pirate!!!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: thanks
kourtMonster Q: U WISH U WERE !
kourtMonster Q: u aint got NOTHING on me!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
kourtMonster Q: find one for girls!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol u find ones urself
kourtMonster Q: where?1/
MoPeDrIvEr3588: omg
MoPeDrIvEr3588: omndsfhLSVUH
MoPeDrIvEr3588: omfg!!!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: odkfzlvhzxlhvvc
MoPeDrIvEr3588: stfu
MoPeDrIvEr3588: 1!!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: askjafdkjhdfjksv
kourtMonster Q: bitch
kourtMonster Q: what??!?1
MoPeDrIvEr3588: HIGH SCHOOL MUSCIAL 2 AUDITIONS!!!!!!!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: ojdkajckjzdj
kourtMonster Q: SHUT UP!
kourtMonster Q: U LIAR
MoPeDrIvEr3588: yea
MoPeDrIvEr3588: im leieing
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
kourtMonster Q: SON OF A BITCH!!!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: srry
MoPeDrIvEr3588: i had to lol
kourtMonster Q: remember that time i hated you?
MoPeDrIvEr3588: no
MoPeDrIvEr3588: i dont actually
kourtMonster Q: well its now!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lololol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: losr
MoPeDrIvEr3588: loser*
kourtMonster Q: way to spell
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: i gotta go to bed
MoPeDrIvEr3588: i have gay work tomorrow
kourtMonster Q: unless its crappy out
kourtMonster Q: wait
MoPeDrIvEr3588: ??
kourtMonster Q: whats the cooking b-ball players name again?
MoPeDrIvEr3588: zece
MoPeDrIvEr3588: i dono how to spell it
MoPeDrIvEr3588: zech?
MoPeDrIvEr3588: its like ze-ec
kourtMonster Q: hahahah
kourtMonster Q: u suck
kourtMonster Q: well goodnight ze-ec
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lata
MoPeDrIvEr3588: thats the name
MoPeDrIvEr3588: im not lieeing
MoPeDrIvEr3588: zeec
kourtMonster Q: well thats u!
MoPeDrIvEr3588: lol bye
kourtMonster Q: bye
MoPeDrIvEr3588 is away at 12:58:31 AM.
kourtMonster Q: [wannabe pirate]
Auto response from MoPeDrIvEr3588: LET IT SNOW.........
cause if it snows a lot i get to go into work late tomorrow :-P
bed
8319044
I HATE KOURTNEY SMITH!!!! LOLOLOL
kourtMonster Q: U WISH U HATED ME!!! too bad u love me!!!
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| Measure in love, seasons of love... |
[07 Feb 2006|11:13pm] |
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Before I go off with this entry I would just like to share how incredible my friends are...
Today I decide to have a water fight with Derek in lunch. At the end, he was completely dry, as was I, but Nicole suffered, along with Torie's math notes. Cleaning up, the dick decided to be his usual self and squirt water on my ass allowing it to look as though I peed my pants. I felt like an ass, so in turn, my friends decided to squirt water on their asses so I didn't look like a retard. I love them, theyre amazing.
Tonight I was watching Degrassi while babysitting, my usual Tuesday night adventure, and in between episodes the music video for "Seasons of Love" came on. Immediately I just started crying. I had no reason to, and suddenly tears started falling. This isn't the first time; since the previews started coming out for "Rent: The Movie," I would ALWAYS cry during them. One time I went so far as to watch the clip over and over again and just sat at my computer bawling.
In addition to that, when I was writing my Jonathan Larson term paper last week, I was just going through the "Rent Book" reading his story through the quotes of the people who knew him the best, his family, friends, and the beloved Rent cast. I cried more than I wrote that day. He is such a beautiful person.
Tonight I realized what it was; it was always under my nose but I have never just said it. It brought me back to when I was 8 years old, just recently wishing my mother off on her honeymoon with a man that would forever step into my life. Even further back, at the wedding ceremony while I sat next to my Nanny who cried of joy and I cried of sadness, realizing it was the end of our "mommy + daughter / lorelai + rory" days. But that day as I watched Adam Pascal, Anthony Rapp, Idina Menzel, Fredi Walker, Taye Diggs, Wilson Jermaine Heredia, Daphine Rubin- Vega, and Jesse L Martin, I took them as my own friends. With such an open enviornment and truthful family, I learned what they were going through. It was no happy musical. They were MY friends, and as I watched Angel die, I died along with him. Seeing it a few other times as I got older never replaced my first memory. Then I saw my old friends back up on the movie screen, one last "hoorah!" I guess watching them brought so many memories back, not just of my first Rent experience but of my mom and myself and our years together. The days when I lived with my grandparents. The days when I couldn't believe Idina Menzel was allowed to show her REAL BUTT to a live audience. It just makes me so happy that I have been so blessed. My relationship with my mother is so valuable to me, she is such a beautiful person. She is so giving and kind and sometimes I see those friends of mine from the stage within her; the care for others of Angel, the free spirit of Mimi and Maureen, the control and order of Joanne, the love of Collins, the friendship of Mark and Roger. She means so much to me, she is my best friend. I'm so lucky to have a mother I feel comfortable telling absolutely everything to. Some people find that lame but I find it invaluable.
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[05 Feb 2006|12:46am] |
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I'd just like to update on the past few nights. Theyve been pretty awesome.
So the other night was the night of the "LIPSTICK WARRIORS!" where we started off at friendlys, went to cvs to buy love handcuffs + kissey candy cards, then ended up ambushing dani + britts double date where we snuck in through the back- went crazy- and met the boys. Oh yes, I completely forgot to mention how we got our name. We went into their house covered in lipstick as war paint for our face. Afterwards we stopped by the beanery hoping to hear miss Emma James make some sweet guitar magic. Jacks, Espy, and Kerr were too nervous going in with the lipstick on our faces so they waited as me and Flo went in. I tried wiping half of it off but only ended up looking like I had a rash. It was cute. We ended the night at Jackies where me and amanda attempted to hide from the other car in the court next to jackies house. the retards didnt see us. (o: it was lovely.
As for today, I woke up... drove kaylee to dance, went and got a bagel and coffee, picked her up, blah blah blah...
Then came tonight (o: Originally, we made up a "To Do Night" involving many things to accomplish by the end of the night- > standing on top of a slide + screaming "IM KING OF THE WORLD," going into wendys with burger king, doing "tiny dancer" the real way, etc. So I get in my car and its stalled and wont start. Naturally, I keep thinking someones under my car cutting wires. I go in, call the girls, nicole comes.... a little bit later nicole, aub, and sir zawol come to check out the car. we danced in the rain. we decided to have everyone over my house. taryn, little laura, + dani came. we watched annie and acted it out by keeping the closed caption on... well me nicole and aubs did. torie came. we walked to 711 in the rain. started walking to the park but it was a dumb idea [whos was that again ? ahahha]. drive to the bluff instead. we sit there, watch some "drug deals" then 2 monster trucks pull up and start driving all crazy and scary. so im like, lets turn our cars on and speed away. so we start em up and race out of there. all of a sudden the trucks are right behind nicoles car, basically on the bumper. they start pulling into the oncoming lane and speeding up. finally they turned into the psych center since there was a school security guard driving by the ms. we went to waldbaums after, bought 8 boxes of ceran wrap, met up with dana and paid a little visit to derek and dustins. it was lovely. stupid winagers totally had it coming. tomorrow theyll have a nice little surprise (o:
i love the clans.
tomorrow im supposed to be going to the movies with chadd since i havent seen him in so long. hopefully i can make him see pocahantas! then maybe some lipstick love afterwards?
<333333 what a great weekend its been!
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[04 Feb 2006|01:01am] |
To being an US for once, instead of a THEM! <3
lipstick warrior love <3
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[02 Feb 2006|09:12pm] |
so basically everyone is writing entries that include something or another about the new german students.
now let me just say, i am part german too and no one makes a big deal about me.
deustch land!
theres my addition to the mainstream german entries, or just facination with foreign boys.
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[29 Jan 2006|02:20am] |
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West Side since it was such a GREAT production. haha. <3zito |
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im feeling really happy right now.
chunky, but happy.
crazy dieting start... NOW!
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[21 Jan 2006|09:19pm] |
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Counting Crows- "Anna Begins" |
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Let me start off this by saying that this journal is for me. It's just my way of getting my feelings out since it's so much easier to type and just go rather than write. It's not a place to use to start trouble so if you want some drama go somewhere else. Okay thanks.
Anyways, today was a very large waste of a day. My plan was to study so I went downstairs with my books, sat in my den, turned on the tv and found the notebook. How could I resist right? Well needless to say, I got no studying done but there was a large amount of crying involved. Watching it as it is is enough to make you bawl but the first and last time I watched it was with my Nanny. I remeber sitting on the couch hysterical crying, her as well, and constantly running in to get us tissues. Eventually, by the end, I had brought the entire box in. For a moment I felt sad, not wanting to watch the movie [ESPECIALLY THE END] since it reminded me so much of her but then I just started laughing, just thinking of us two big babies crying over the movie together on one of our typical friday or saturday nights. It's so strange not having her here. It has affected me soooo much and not many people seem to notice. I think thats a large part of my constant depressions and college countdowns. She wasn't just an "old grandma" to me, she was my second mother and she still is. I wrote this for her, it'll be in this years issue of Kaleidoscope as well:
“Sweet Momma”
Today marks four months since that fateful day
When I kissed your cheek with my last goodbye.
Your soft rose petals all withered away,
Cream- colored wings prepared you to fly.
Twelve thousand salt tears watered your grave- site.
I prayed that from heaven you’d send me a sign.
So down fell a cream- colored feather from flight
And up blossomed roses from a twisted vine.
I picked just one rose to keep with me,
To remind me of the times I’ve spent with you.
Its scent was of Tova and sweet potpourri,
And with this lone flower I then knew
That you’ll eternally watch over me;
Always, forever, my Nanny you’ll be.
In other news, it seems as though just about all my friends are out doing their own thing tonight. It's cute once again how I'm never thought of to be included. The best of it all is talking to people about it and them saying how much they know and totally understand and feel the same way and yet, they're part of it all. They could just as easily mention my name in the process of making plans with everyone but I guess I just don't fit for it all. Whatevs. It's just so heard to keep the "make the best of it all" mentality when I can't even find a best. At least I have Le, Torie, Nicola, and Dana.
Also, today was my first time driving alone. It was only around the block since I only have my juniors until thursday when drivers ed ends. It's less than a week so no big deal. Tomorrow I'm driving to shittown for work since I can do that with a juniors (o: I just feel so excited about it. It's really no big deal at this point since practically everyone's had theirs for months but I'm still incredibly excited. It was funny how word of me passing traveled so quickly. Pretty much everyone knew about it before I had even gotten back to school. Perfect score, good driver (o:!!! Chyea.
Alright, I'm gonna go call Dennis
+ try and get some studying done.
Until then,
kourt
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[19 Jan 2006|04:38pm] |
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I passed my roadtest.
I got no points off.
& I have a liscence.
applebees party this weekend.
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[18 Jan 2006|11:50pm] |
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music |
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queen- you're my best friend |
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HeMpBoi20: i love you
HeMpBoi20: and miss you my red
I miss him incredibly. I wish he'd come home. Stupid Arizona.
So I've been trying harder to be happier. The really weird thing is I was SOOO giddy yesterday and I just wanted to laugh at everything that someone spit out of their mouth. I dont know what it was. I just felt happy, on the surface at least.
Now I'm doing my creative writing term paper outline. Our prompt was to choose any 5 songs and relate them to a theme that somehow has to do with you. Mine is about my friendship with Torie... and ironically, hers is the same... haha.
anyways, i just cried reading what I have so far. I talked to Nicole about how I was never worried about going away from her, tor, and dana, but still, im really going to miss them. weve been through so much lately. nicole got involved in her art, dana working at the bowling alley and her new friends, and torie with waldbaums, then me with theatre. still were best friends, and i dont want that to change.
tories such a loser and has always been but for some reason i love her. its good to have best friends.
to all that are in need of a best friend, i suggest you go out and find one because you can't have mine!
mmkaybuhbye!
kourt
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[18 Jan 2006|02:51pm] |
Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting
Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting
What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you
Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting
Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...
Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all
Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still Hurting
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[16 Jan 2006|08:34pm] |
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okay, so i basically just lost everything i started to write because i hit a link by accident. grrr. okay second attempt...
so i havent written here in a while, and stumbled across it and figured, i have soooo much on my mind that i might just start using it again.
lately, ive been really upset with life in general. i only have a little over 5 months left in high school. my friend situation has been driving me crazy....i went into this year saying, kourt, after june 22, u can choose to never see these people again if u so desire so just make the most of what u have left. so i tried, and i tried, and im still trying... but im just so sick of trying.
a lot of it all has to do with a particular person, up until the end of last year we were the best of friends. we had so much in common. and then all of a sudden the little things about me began to annoy her and she would get angry with me but harvest it all inside and expect me to pry it out of her. i never care too much about what people think of me or how they feel about me, but with her i cared so much. idk why, i just didnt want to loose my "best friend." needless to say, i did, i expected her to be there for me when i lost my grandma, but i learned u just cant expect anything from anyone and you wont be disappointed. come to think of it, she disappointed me a lot from the beginning of the summer on. i just wanted our friendship back but she didnt seem to really care. ive tried so much, and there is so much i can write but i dont want to get too deep into because this is public afterall.
last night i was sitting here and i just started crying. i had so much worked up inside of me and i couldnt stop. dennis could tell i was upset because of the way i said "hi" online. maybe it was because this old friend was online and i saw her screen name glaring at me and i just wanted so badly to start typing away EVERYTHING i have gone through. but i couldnt. and i wont. and ill move on eventually. just sitting here reminds me of so much that have shown her disintrest in our friendship. now were not even simply "friends," just aquintances, casual smiles and hellos as we pass eachother in the hallway. best friends forever? what a loud of crap.
and then there are other people who have just hurt me, most likely no on purpose, but they have hurt me. i considered one a good friend and this year she has found a new person to replace me. were still buddy buddy but not like we were. like, why do i have friends that decide to only include a select few of themselves and not call me up to invite me out? idk if that made sense but i tried for it to work. and another "good friend" who suddenly just stopped calling me and has found a new intrest in other people and thats just enough. theres no need for me anymore because who she has is comforting enough. and when i talk to her now, i just feel stupid. i feel like everything i say is just dumb, and she doesnt want to hear so why am i talking in the first place?!? we have so many good memories, those and our similar friends are the only thing still stringing us together. it just sucks. another person who will make plans and just doesnt want to invite me. sometimes i wonder if its because i dont drink. people have flat out told me they didnt call me because they were drinking and didnt think i would feel comfortable. not for nothing, i think it should be up to me as to what im "comfortable" doing. ive said time and time again that i dont mind being with people who are drinking. i can still manage to have a good time. maybe that seems illogical to people but thats just me.
last night i was thinking about my scrapbook and how i havent done it in so long. i regret not staying on top of it because i now of pictures with this people that ive lost touch with and i just dont want to include them in it. at the time of getting the pictures i wanted them in there but not anymore. still, i will be putting them in. they are a page in my memories, maybe more than one. even if were not close now, they made me want to take their picture at one point. once their page is done, they can choose to continue on within my book or they can decide to close it all together. im looking forward to bringing it to college and just looking at it and getting ready to put new people in.
and then what else? oh yea, im still stuck in my wanting to loose weight phase. not may people seem to notice but ive lost 20 lbs over the summer. but its still not good enough. i mean i can tell the difference between last year and now but its not good enough to have guys look at me and think im pretty. why do i care so much? i have no clue. i mean, i know college is so much different. its not as much about that but im stuck in a stupid high school where u need the body to suceed in relationships.
in supa, we were analyzing sonnets and my group had shakespeares sonnet 29 about "how love will set you free." we asked mr. j to help us out and he asks me, "kourtney do u believe in this sorta crap?" i said "no, i havent experienced anything to make me think otherwise" and he said "well, i do"
after class he asked to talk to me and said "listen, i dont know what the hell is wrong with the guys in this school but once u get to college, guys will be banging down your door. u deserve to find this love" and it made me feel really good about myself, but it would be so nice to hear it from someone other than one of my girl friends or from adults...
hopefully someday.
kourtney
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[09 Oct 2005|11:42pm] |
Honest is easy...
Fiction is where genius lies.
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